The Fundamentals Of Khadiology

[PARENTAL ADVISORY!!EXPLICIT CONTENT]

When you turn to a friend, Your friend turns his back against you.
You cry and burn from the inside, and not knowing what to do.
You're neither angry nor disappointed, you just don’t know what it means.
So you tell yourself it will pass, Comforting the aching heart.

Is there a cure for this heart of stone? Maybe not.
Because it isn’t something that can just go away.
it isn’t something that will just disappear. it isn’t something that i can adapt to. never.
phantoms cry and hover the stage. haunting my once pleasant dreams.
your soul still lingers around wherever i go. why wont you leave? why wont you leave me? why? Why couldn’t I have left with you?

a sacred possession that was lost.
spending the rest of my life searching for the missing pieces.
forever searching for them. not knowing if I’ll ever find them. any of them.
then came along what they call help. pushed it away at first but they seemed true.
that they seemed.
they appeared before me with hopes to turn me around.
with hopes to change the structure of khadiology.
but what they didn’t know was, what they hope for was impossible. beyond imagination.

they weren’t trying to help me at all. they were trying to destroy khadiology.
eliminate the existence. MY existence! that was when i ran. to make my escape.
i screamed and i screamed. i shouted as i ran. I ran towards the edge of no return.
only to find out that there were more paths ahead.
only to see more people standing before me.
people wanting to be with me and people wanting to me dead.

i cant turn around. i cant break free. so i cried. Fell on my knees and started crying. Weeping like a child. hoping to use my tears to make them go away.
Like i did with my nightmares.
like i did with them.
it worked once. so i thought I’d do it again. I tot i could make them go away.
the louder i cried, the bigger the crowd.
i got so scared that i tot i would die in front of them.
so screwed that i felt it so hard to breathe .so i passed out. everything went black.

then when i sensed a man, he stands before me.
Eyes with so much sadness, loneliness and anger.
face with so much fear and hate. A look anyone would despise and stay away from.
a murderer's face. a killer's look. he scares everyone.
No one comes near him.
he touches and cares for no one.
he cares about no one, but why me?
We stared at each other, trying to read and understand.
i couldn’t figure him out, he looked that way too.
Perhaps we couldn’t comprehend ourselves.
perhaps he was a reflection of myself. perhaps i was dreaming.
But i don’t have dreams, i have nightmares. horrible nightmares.
what was in front of me wasn’t a nightmare.

it was warmth. it was light. so much i was beginning to feel sick.
i couldn’t get up either, more like i didn’t want to get up either.
a thousand years passed us by it seems. I still didn’t want to let go of his eyes.
he's just a man. a man.
how was it possible that he was able to do what others couldn’t?

how was he able to reach me? how was he able to reach my heart? All good things must come to an end they say.
it did when i open my eyes. it wasn’t me who saw him. my conscience did.
but he was exactly the way my conscience pictured him to be.
Eyes with so much sadness, loneliness and anger.
face with so much fear and hate. But then he glowed. right in front of me.
he told me to leave.

“Get out of my sight, before I kill you..”.
he asked me to leave now that i have come to senses.
i did nothing but lie still and stared at him.
i could hear his voice but i couldn’t follow what he said.
i didn’t want to. i didn’t want to get up at all.
i was confused with myself. what was this feeling i have inside?
i shouldn’t feel that way, but it feels so right. So damn right.
but what could i possibly do? I’ve lost my strength. all in his gaze.

stuck in a time warp. spinning all the way from earth to Saturn.
jumping from one place to another and not knowing what to do.
launching my heart into his eyes. piercing his concentration.
awakening both our concentration, we got on our feet and turned in different directions.
stunned. neither one of us could get our legs to move.
They stood still like a pair of wooden puppets. wooden puppets.
Who had no idea what they were doing or what was going on.

not possible that he was feeling what i feel. not possible.
it cannot be that we were both thinking of the same thing. it cannot be.
the fundamentals were running away from reality. I’m left with nothing at all.
once again I’m the one at lost. I’m again the one who loses.
never did i thought that i would to go thru the same thing again.
since that day i gathered my strength and run my life based on hate.
only to find out that love has once again destroyed me. ruined me.
Why did I even bother to let it cross my mind?

even if was just for a few seconds. it did a lot. it was massive. intensive & extensive.
I’ve turned weak again. like i used to be before. like before.
devastation was what i was breathing. hurt was what i was feeling.
Again and again and again. So hurt so far. All again by love.
Tell me how. You tell me how I should live with love. You tell me.
What should I do with love? Tell me how I am suppose to love when love has hurt me.
Hurt me so much, love has given me nothing but hurt, pain and fear. Nothing less.

He stood motionless and undoubtedly the feeling same way.
Turned around and saw tears in his eyes. Glistening tears. Filled up his eyes.
So it is with mine. Undoubtedly, he did feel what I felt.
Step by step. Inch by inch. No good can come out of this I’m sure of it.
Moments, minutes and finally hours passed us by. Literally.

Glistening tears flow like cascading sparkling waterfall down our cheeks.
Both unsure if they were tears of joy or pain. Or neither.
Just didn’t know what it meant. We just don’t. As simple as that.
We inched closer to each other. Close enough for me to feel his warm breath on my cheek.
So warm, it was making my cheeks more flushed than it already was.
So close, I could make out the colour of his eyes. A grand misty-sapphire blue.

Enticing? No. Killer-like. Murderous. Dangerous.
Something only I would appreciate. Something as lethal as that.
But behind those smoky lethal eyes, there was a story. A traumatic one.
But I don’t wish to know. Not now. Not that soon.
But the glares and fatality was drowned by his tears. Crystal-genuine tears.

“Why? Are making me cry? Who? The hell are you?” he whispered.
I could only stare at his gorgeous killer eyes and murmur my reply.
“I’m crying too.. And I don’t know who the hell you are too..”.
“Have we met before? What are you? Why is there such a strong feeling?”
Silence was so beautiful. I didn’t have any answers for him. Only questions.

Trembling, shaking in fear and courageous all at the same time. I looked down and said,
“Trauma shakes the both of us and fate interferes. That’s why..”.
“That’s why what? Tell me woman.. TELL ME!!” he demanded.
His sudden vice grip on my arms startled me so, that I looked up in fear.
It loosened and his glare soften into sadness and a dreamy gaze. “I’m sorry.”

“That’s.. Th.. That’s why.. We are both angered and crying. We’re both the same.”
I managed to finish my sentence despite my grasping for air.
“ We both understand each other because we both went through the same thing. There’s no doubt about it. You’re feeling the way I feel because we both know what we went through.”

He withdrew two steps back and looked at me in perpetual disbelief.
“That.. Is not.. Possible.. No.. No man can ever go through what I did. No.. there.. Must.. Must be a mistake. Much less you.. YOU… a woman.. No.. Not possible. You’re just like everyone else. You tell me lies that are almost true. Almost believable. But they’re lies. All lies. LIES!! Lies! Lies…. All.. Lies… You can’t have been though it… No..”
He shook his head in attempt to look up and hoped that I was just a nightmare.

“ I wouldn’t have dared to look you in the eye and said that. You’ve lost too. Something very close to your heart. Someone you think who is worth more than you yourself.”
My gaze bore into his eyes, hoping to gain his trust. But for what I don’t know.
“You cried day and night, week by week. Hoping time would heal you. But it didn’t. Did it? So you became angry. Angry with the world that you want to kill everyone. That’s what’s been helping you getting on with life. Hatred. So much hatr…”
“Shut up! Just shut your trap and leave me alone. How do you pretend to know so much about me and look so blank about it?”
He looked infuriated and inched closer with breath he took. He glared with fury at me.
Our eyes were now only two inches apart. I could see every detail on his eyes.

“I don’t pretend to know. I do know you.. I know what you’ve been through. Exactly the way it goes. Because I did too. We’re exactly alike. In more ways than one.”
My voice trembled as I whispered softly as he was so close. So close.
My heart was beating fast against my chest. Blood gushed to my ears turning it red.
Everything else around us was spinning.
As though we were on a platform on a spinning stage. I was getting dizzy.Scared and dizzy. I could feel myself shaking and trembling with fear.
Unsure if it was the close distance or because I was reading his eyes. His story.

“I’m scared.” I uttered so softly I could hardly hear myself. I looked into his eyes.
I couldn’t help but feel weak. I hated myself. I knew fairly well what I was doing.
Making a mistake. Or so I thought. To my most sheer surprise, it was requited.
He slid his warm left arm around my waist and a protective right arm around my neck.
“You should be.” He smiled and tightened his hold.
We slipped into an embrace so warm we wanted to die in that position.
Time froze and nothing else breathed. There was only the two of us in our world.
Just a plain field with the rising sun and the blue skies. The breeze and birds. And us.

“This is a mistake isn’t it? A big mistake. We both are going to realize it in time and leave each other. You don’t know me and I don’t know you. Don’t tell me you love me. That would be a lie. I don’t even know your name.”
He said it to me with so much intensity that I was afraid to answer his questions.
Because he and I both know that it was a mistake and it was over and done with.
And we both don’t know what we should do next and what would happen.
There was some truth in what he was saying. I don’t love him. He doesn’t love me either.
“Kathy. Kathy Ivans.”
“Mark. Mark Kristiansen.”

I felt drops of tears falling on the bare skin of my shoulders. Mark was crying.
It wasn’t any different with me. I was starting to tear up too.
“I’m so sorry.” We both apologized at the same time before parting.
His arms still around me, we gazed into each other’s face. His jaw line was so perfect.
His nose bridge was as straight as a line. Not to mention less than inch away from mine.
“I have to go. This is not getting anywhere. Let me go. It’s for th..” It’s for the best.
I didn’t even finish my sentence when his face plunged into mine.
His lips pressed hard against mine. It definitely took me by surprise.
My body tensed almost immediately as the strength of his jaw conquered mine.
He was so warm yet so incomplete. Missing pieces were scattered all over the place.

Under normal circumstances, I would have pulled away and given him a blow on his eyes.
I knew it was so wrong but there wasn’t anything I could have done.
He held so tight I thought I was going to melt into him.
Our lips sealed and said all there was to be said. The tongues locked all our feelings.
I was losing ground, losing my breath and losing my mind. I was losing myself.
My pulse raced faster than the seconds of the clock and faster than I could count them.
I didn’t mean to return his kiss, but I did, that too passionately.
There was so much warmth, we were staring to burn from the inside.
So much light was shone, we were starting to be blinded by it..

I was lost in his embrace and kiss. Everything was forgotten. All the pain.
All the anger. All the hatred. We forgot everything that ever happened. Except ourselves.
We completely lost it. We remembered everything clearly but we no longer felt the pain.
The exact same fear and pain that had been haunting us for almost all our lives. Gone.
When we pulled away from the breathtaking kiss, we both took a deep breath.